Dating an aspie man

17-Mar-2017 07:34 by 4 Comments

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Similarly, many of the practices that are generally regarded as "obvious" parts of dating feel like intimidatingly strange concepts to us, such as "flirting" and "bantering," creating an intangible "chemistry," or spacing out how often you call, text, e-mail, and/or suggest hanging out with a dating prospect.

Others with AS have told me about similar stories, all linked by a common theme: We experience dating, as we do all other social rituals, as non-native bumblers, struggling to comprehend a culture of Byzantine complexity (in our eyes) and lacking the unassailable logic of being entirely direct, straightforward, verbalized, and emotionless (which is clearly reasonable… Few pieces of advice are more frustrating to a mild autistic, since "common sense" in dating involves intuitively knowing the assumptions that others will make about you based on the cues you give off through what you say and do — which, of course, is precisely what AS causes you to miss.

If there is one other commonality linking people with AS, including not only myself by many of the others who I talked to for this article, it is that — when you listen to constructive feedback and carefully study human nature, even using your outsider's perspective to your advantage — you will find rewarding sexual, emotional, and ultimately romantic relationships.

As I explained in an earlier article on my personal experiences with AS, "If life in a society is a game (and make no mistake about it, it is), having Asperger's forces you to play while learning two-thirds of the rules as you go along, even as everyone else knows them instinctively ...

Others with AS have told me about similar stories, all linked by a common theme: We experience dating, as we do all other social rituals, as non-native bumblers, struggling to comprehend a culture of Byzantine complexity (in our eyes) and lacking the unassailable logic of being entirely direct, straightforward, verbalized, and emotionless (which is clearly reasonable… We also notice that …I recently had a conversation with a friend who commented that people with AS should "just use common sense" when navigating the dating scene.

Few pieces of advice are more frustrating to a mild autistic, since "common sense" in dating involves intuitively knowing the assumptions that others will make about you based on the cues you give off through what you say and do — which, of course, is precisely what AS causes you to miss.

The idea that people communicate interest other than through what they actually say, or that even what someone says is fraught with layers and nuances — none of this occurs to us, since our instinct (which we assume the rest of the world shares) is to just say what we think and feel at length without any filters.

If we learn it at all, it’s because we’ve had others bluntly explain to us the "rules" regarding these and other related matters.As explained by Canadian writer to NT's [Neurotypicals, or people without AS]. It is work and requires effort and energy." Not only does this cause people with AS to often come off as emotionless and lacking in empathy, but it makes the process of falling in love almost alien to us — you can't develop or identify chemistry without knowing how to give off and read cues, or feel truly connected to someone with whom you can only communicate by feigning mastery of a social language in which you'll never be fluent.This isn’t to say that there is no hope if you have AS. After all, there are few places in society where social rules are as crucially important and deeply entrenched as in the sphere of courtship, and being mildly autistic — or having Asperger's Syndrome (AS), if you use the label as it was before the APA revised its diagnostic criteria last year — impairs your ability to comprehend nonverbal communication.and assumes you do too." Of course, one of the twists of having AS is that you tend to develop an outsider’s perspective on social rules in general, and the world of dating is no exception. A lot of the "obvious" rules about dating are actually pretty arbitrary, so we aren’t instinctively aware of them.Similarly, many of the practices that are generally regarded as "obvious" parts of dating feel like intimidatingly strange concepts to us, such as "flirting" and "bantering," creating an intangible "chemistry," or spacing out how often you call, text, e-mail, and/or suggest hanging out with a dating prospect. It’s also difficult for us to come to grips with the emotion colloquially known as "love." There is a great quote by Bertrand Russell that helps illustrate what I mean: "Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives." Thankfully having AS certainly doesn't inhibit one’s ability to desire or enjoy sexual intercourse, but the same cannot be said of cultivating the kinds of connections necessary to escape from the "existential loneliness" described by Russell.

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